Paladin4
From Toosigma
te he I know this could be so much better but I like sensei... he's bizarre
Andrew stands in an empty room holding a long sword in his hands. His legs are relaxed and bent, his weight resting on one foot and then the other. With practiced rhythm-less-ness he rocks back and forth. Slowly he begins to attack, retreat block, mentally responding to the last opponent he fought in a way that would have been more effective, replaying the opponent and trying to come up with better ways to block, attack and move. Slowly his body transfers from it’s relaxed stance and movement to the jerky reflexive movements of a well-programmed robot.
“You’re thinking about it too much. You have to relax and let it flow. Move the sword as if it were just another part of your body. It doesn’t just exist to defend you against the opponent, but it is your fist and teeth. It is the long arm of your revenge, it is…” The voice of the computer Sensei acts as a shock to Andrew’s system, and instead of trying to fight through the distraction he relaxes back to the ready position. The voice laughs, “Ok it IS more then a little phallic, but remember the goal is to kill not to fuck.” Andrew smiles at the voice’s admission of it’s own mental abominations, the voice continues. “Are you alive, did you forget to check to day? When was the last time you felt your body speaking back to you and saying something more important then pleasure, pain, or hunger? Did you forget that you are as magical as anything you can see?” Andrew gritted his teeth, what a stupid mundane thing for Sensei to bring up now, as if he were a child and this was the first time in a practice chamber.
“Remember the goal is to kill not to fuck…” Andrew repeated thoughtfully, “Is this the primal basis of what we call chivalry? Darwin said the goal was to fuck.”
“I didn’t realize we were talking about THE goal. I thought we were talking about sword fighting. Besides, that ancient religion hardly has any importance in this conversation.”
“I’m sorry Sensei, I just can’t concentrate.”
“You’re undisciplined and perverse as well.”
“Thanks”
“When a Paladin falls in love he gives a part of himself away, and he needs every bit of himself to fight, to compromise yourself in battle is to compromise all of your comrades, and for that you have lost honor. For that you have to go back to the books, and try to rebuild.” The Sensei lectured dispassionately.
“But Sensei, maybe one can have a love that would make them a more powerful fighter, a more earnest student, and a more ruthless opponent.”
The computer was silent for a moment, perhaps looking up statistics and analyzing what they meant. “That isn’t they way it works. When you and Carmen fell in love, you each had to abandon it because of the effect that it had on both of you when it came to fighting. The two of you did too much to protect each other, which lead to endangerment of each other, and a weakening of every aspect of each of your abilities. Once you both had abandoned those childish romantic thoughts your level of ability returned to where it was before. Jen had to turn her back on you, and you have to let her… Ironically in order to protect humanity the Paladins have to give up the most human of instincts and emotions.”
“But a non self-sacrificing love is possible…” Andrew began.
“Yes, but that would be a selfish love and completely undesirable for obvious reasons. Start again.”
The image of Jen’s disembowelment stayed with him while he fought, lingering in his mind, instead of shutting out the image or ignoring it Andrew focused on it, trying to reenact it in his mind down to every detail. He continued to focus on it until it no longer made him shake. Part of his mind accepted that what he had seen had not been real though it appeared to be in every way, the other half still believed that his love had been ripped open before his eyes, and believed that somewhere on the ethereal plane her body still lay cold and still. He willingly embraced the side that believed her to be dead. He walked himself though the process of what that would mean, slowly coming to the utter realization that he had lost her, and that he alone had failed her. Failed her because he had made her vulnerable, he had brought their attention to the fact that she existed. His body and his will fought against his heart until they both lay broken, and at last he wept. He crumpled from a fighting position, unable to stand upright under the weight of the self induced grief. He kept it up until it no longer made him ill and didn’t stop until it just didn’t matter any more. For better or worse, he had accepted what he had seen. In every way Jen was dead to him now. Now images of her in pain could no longer hurt him, but now the joy he experienced at the thought of one day holding her in his arms again was destroyed. The shadows didn’t know why what they had shown him had worked, and they wouldn’t understand that she wasn’t really dead, and she would be safe, both in this mind and in reality. Even a child knows that you can only die once, and that no one can come back. Andrew’s morning had only begun, but they could never kill her again, at least now she was safe.
The reasons behind why a Paladin can not love are not limited to fighting ability like the Sensei would make it seem, but are also to protect any whom the Paladin may love that can not fight for themselves. Most Paladins parents were also fighters, so no mental death was necessary, however for those rare few that came from a non-Paladin parent a great deal of mental anguish and hatred had to be invoked between parent and child for the good of them both. If Andrew had to guess, that would be his sole explanation for the ghoulishness of his ethereal form, his mother was a civilian.
