Astarriel's Heart (Ayanna)

From Toosigma

Title	Astarriel's Heart
Author	Philip Mann - Ayanna
Campaign	Shattered Prisons
Session	Astarriel's Heart
Posted	April 4, 2007
Game Date

So much has happened in just a few hours, and I could remember it all, clearly, until I saw Trina. After I saw her, after I tried to get the dark ring from her finger, after I felt my soul being torn from my body, and after I awoke, I could remember nothing but her frightened face. Even as we ascended the tower and left the temple I could hardly remember how we got there; I was numb with the fright and horror of what I saw in those brief seconds. Smells, sounds, all part of the haze that settled over my perception. I could see Dreamseeker and Windchaser, but I could not hear them; at the time I could not recognize my spirit brothers even as they tried to console me. The others walked me to the airship. I remember Malidin holding me up by my arm after I fell the second or third time, but then I only remember the sky...

Was it hours or days before I regained my senses? It was late, I could tell that because nobody was about. I felt the weight of Trina's young life crash upon me and I knew that I had failed her. I had to find answers, but first I had to seek forgiveness so I prayed:

Mother of All Creation, I have failed again.

I failed to see the truth until it was too late,

To see that Trina was in danger within the mountain, more than outside.

I have failed to save one little girl from a horrible fate;

I blindly escorted her to her doom when I should have taken her far, far away.

I should have seen the trap, but I was too afraid of the here and now to look to the future.

<pause>

Mother, I was not made by your hand, and I am so horribly flawed.

You have given me so much, but I have made little of it.

<pause>

I try to see the true path, but I can only find a tangle of darkness everywhere I look.

This is naught but my fault, and I am ashamed.

It is only by your gifts that I keep moving forward because I cannot even stand on my own.

<pause>

Mother, with your help I have found wonderful friends, but my own foolishness may drive them away.

Please, I pray you not allow them to suffer for my weakness.

I am too broken to hope to not fail them, but please let me bear the price of that failure alone.

I should have been taken instead of Trina,

<pause>

And I will always carry the pained expression on her beautiful face at the center of my heart.

<pause>

Mother, please do not let me cause others such agony as my failure did her.

<long pause>

Mother of All Creation,

You have always forgiven me and shown me kindness.

I pray to one day be worthy of such love.

<pause>

I pray this night as well to learn from you,

To learn to forgive myself as I so easily forgive others

Mother, because I cannot hope to be forgiven by those I have hurt until I can let go of that hurt as well.

I pray that all I have harmed, be well

And may I cause no more to suffer.

<long pause>

May kindness and hope forever mark my passing as it should any of your children on the world.

Be it always so.

Moments later I heard Malidin clearing his throat behind me.

“Ye Know ye can't blame yer self for that,” he said as he approached the railing and cast his gaze into the night. “You are at no more fault than I, for me kin being ran outta our home. We do the best we can.” The dwarf put his powerful hand gently on my shoulder, “Ye know all is not lost, I swore me life that I would protect that wee one too. We will track her and deal with what ever we find!”

His words, genuine and real, made my heart feel hollow and empty. I knew that I had left Trina to help the others if just for a moment, and nobody could absolve me of that except Trina herself. Then he turned to me and, lifting my chin to look into my teary eyes, showed me my own pitiful life through the lens of a kind and compassionate friend.

“I, for one, am so very proud of you,” he began. “A few weeks ago, you wouldn't even leave the forest that was your home. Now you’re out saving the whole world! It is in you ta fix this here problem Ayanna, and many, many, more.” Then he held up his ever-present mug as if to toast, “Here is to an exciting life!”

He drained the mug in one great swallow, wiping his mouth nonchalantly.

“We will get her back, as soon as it is possible,” he told me. “As soon as you can accept that, we can make the next decision on how to proceed.”

His tone then became an odd blend of firm and consolatory. “I need you to be at full strength, and right in the head,” he said. “There is no one I count on more, or would want to. I vow to you, we will make this right.” Malidin turned to the open air, repeating his promise as if to his God, “we will make this right.”

Still kneeling, I tried to look at him and appear that I had it together, but I only managed a weak and teary smile before collapsing into him. I clung to him as the only solid thing in gale of emotions that flooded through me. I cried, but I needed to cry to get out from under all that had happened. Malidin never wavered; he never stepped back or pushed away, even when my tears were no more and I still held tightly to his bulk. In his few words he alone brought me back to my senses, and in a way that made me feel very important to him. Malidin showed me again that he is a truly great man, and I allowed myself to hope that there might always be a place in his life for me.

I started to recall our meeting and the days together as I admired his muscular arms and the matching bracelets he made, one for me and one for him. I remembered how I escorted him through the wilderness to Silvervale. Unaccustomed to the forest, he was clumsy and loud, but he was intent on reaching the village so I showed him the way. I remembered that he made comments that seemed to signal that he wished I was someone else, mayhap anyone else, instead of me. When I saw him safely to the village I expected to see him no more as I moved along with my life and he with his, but it was he who sought me in my wilderness home and he who took the time to learn more about me and my ways. I remembered the fire in his eyes when he found me injured and pursued by Firella and her patrol, and how difficult it was for me to convince him to quietly leave with me instead of warring on those who captured and beat me.

At the time, as I recalled, it seemed so strange that he would be angered over an attack on me. Since then and mayhap before, he has spoken highly of me before others, and he has defended my interests as fiercely as his own. His strength has been a comfort to me, particularly when things appeared to be at their worst. I have come to rely on Malidin more than anyone, more than I probably should or have right to, but I do.

With my hand over his arm, I aligned the bracelets next to each other and only the size seemed to differ in them.

“Aye Lass,” Malidin said, breaking my reverie, “some of my finest work in these.”

“They are beautiful,” I told him as I allowed my fingers to lightly trace his arm. “How did I ever get so lucky?”

“'Tis not luck,” he began in jest, “'tis the work of the Lord!”

He chuckled in an amused tone, but stopped abruptly as my hand found its place in his, my fingers and Malidin’s laced together.

The dwarf was quiet for a moment before speaking and I aligned my arm again with his to bring his craftwork together as our hands now were. I thought to myself how sharp the contrast between my own alabaster skin and his sun-bronzed muscles. Nothing looked like it belonged together without the fruits of his craft; everything seemed so harshly different, my slender arm against his, that any normal person might laugh. In my mind though, I saw a perfect the picture with that common element of his creation, and how it really wouldn't matter what anyone else thought. He and I came from opposite corners of the world, but here were in spite of all odds to the contrary

“Ye know, I care for ye, Ayanna,” he said, his voice just a whisper. “I’d have no one else as my companion.” He too looked down to the bracelets, “Their beauty pales in comparison to yer own,” he told me. “Together, I believe we can conquer anything, solve any problem.”

He gently pulled his hand from mine and wrapped his powerful arms around me.

If anyone is interested, here is the actual email exchange to this point.